I have found that it is the waiting for someone else to do something that is the most frustrating. Once I have accepted that I don't need someone else, everything is so much easier. Crack on and get it done. Now this isn't the same as being able to find everything I need to do the job but that's another post altogether.
I love everything about this, Claire! So empowering. The only DIY I do is the occasional flat pack build. Sometimes, I’ll get involved in painting or popping a picture up, but more often I’m the one pointing or waving at the walls 😅
Your questions got me thinking about a huge limitation I’ve placed on myself over the years and it’s that I’m not the kind of person who can run workshops or launch products. I feel I’ve gone beyond these beliefs lately in how I show up in this space 💛
Yes! This, exactly..."I sometimes imagine the only way I'll ever put a shelf up is if we divorce or he dies and I'll be left single, forced to do all the jobs he usually does." I'm right there with you, Claire. Lol. I never even realized I'd been thinking these things until you put it into the perfect words. Thank you for opening my eyes! Now, where's my axe?
I was never taught the male-gendered skills growing up. Change a tire, work on cars in any capacity really, construction so I understand. When i moved into an apartment by myself, I had to learn how to do things on my own. I also didn't want to have to ask for help. It empowered me so much. Now, I love getting to do handy jobs. My husband is active duty so sometimes I just gotta figure it out. Haha. But I love how much I've learned about it and myself.
There is something so simple yet so deeply profound about this… in my previous marriage, I’d always joke that I was the “man of the house” because I was the one who built the ikea furniture and put up curtain poles. My husband was rubbish at DIY and could never quite get it right, which would hugely bother my perfectionist self.
However now I’m single, and have no choice but to do these things on my own and just figure them out, I’d love nothing more than a capable, compassionate man to swoop in and say “I know you can do this on your own, but you don’t have to, I’ve got this”
I’m not sure this is about gender stereotypes as such, more being supported by a practical masculine presence so I can be the creative force I need to be.
So I suppose my limitation in this context is that I’m perhaps too stubborn and self sufficient to allow anyone to help me. I wonder what would happy if I did? 🦋
Hi Kerry, I wonder whether it's why you're drawn to circles of women. A place to receive support. That's really interesting though. Your perceived limitation is that you have to be independent. Sounds like a good theme to explore.
Yes you could be right there, thank you for that reflection. Womens circles are incredibly special in that way because the support is unconditional. This is definitely a theme to take to the therapists couch!
I’m actually handier than my husband, but we have typically gendered roles around the house. I like it that way. I’m someone who will jump in and do everything, so it’s good for me to ask my husband to do things. He’s become much more helpful over the years with domestic things. I don’t like DIY things but I do it if I have to.
I mean I don’t DIY many things. Like I haven’t built anything. But I hang shelves, caulk things, patch drywall, small things like that. I just kind of figure it out, or maybe watch Youtube videos if I feel confused.
Hi Claire, this was synchronous with something I have been struggling to heal, so thank you for such a timely article! Although for me, it’s not about DIY projects, but about finances. I realised that in spite of having a mother who’s a physician and a financially astute woman, I somehow absorbed the “daddy’s little princess” and “knight in shining armour” images and subconsciously believed that making money is a man’s work and prerogative, that I don’t need to worry or work for a living, that I will be “taken care of”. However, coming out of a marriage that provided well for me but that lacked in all other aspects, I was forced to face the reality of either “fending for myself” and being happy or being dependent and unhappy. I chose the former, but I still struggle with believing that I can provide for myself and also struggle with financial management. I am trying to heal that with therapy, courses, books, EFT, etc. So that’s why your post and especially the 8 of swords spoke so much to my inner journey of liberating myself from this patriarchal messaging. Thanks again!
Wow. That's so important to understand about yourself and I'm glad the post deepened it for you. I think you gave me an idea for another post too although talking about money is hard.
You can't leave us hanging like that! Did you get your shelf up??? You so beautifully articulate that mindset of having to learn to do things because something has happened to the man in your life. And the wonderful 'ah ha!' moment of realizing you CAN do whatever you want to!
Oh I love this. I've never used an axe but I did put up my first shelf very recently. And I can tell you that using a power drill to put the holes in our (very sold) brick walls was a real 'yes!!!!' moment for me too.
I was always fascinated with what went on in the garages, barns, and work sheds of the men in my family and would secretly absorb their behaviors and wisdom because I was expected to be girly, aloof, and uninterested in such things.
I didn't always feel I had to do all the manly jobs but I felt an internal pressure to at least know how. I think realistically I just have a deep wish to work more with my hands and I hope to continue pursuing that throughout my life.
Interestingly, these days, my boyfriend lovingly refers to himself as my haus-band (a play on house-husband) because he's in charge of all the cleaning, cooking, dog feeding, grocery-ing, and tending to the yard.
I won't tell him that I'm telling you that I'm still the "handy" one of our pair... But I do still step in to fix things and solve manly-problems around the house and yard, popping the hood when something's off with the car and acting like I know things, that sort of stuff.
This comment turned into a whole article 🤣 sorry about that / thanks for inspiring me today
It's really inspiring to know there are so many women who feel confident to do DIY. I'm glad you wrote a whole article. Your thoughts are welcome and help me learn.
I feel like it would be helpful to warn you that the next stage in becoming a competent DIY wife is that your husband will walk into the room, tell you what you are doing wrong, fart and leave. Just so you know what to expect. Enjoy the power of transforming your interiors to make life flow more easily.
This is wonderful, and there must be something in the air (full moon in Aquarius as well as the 8 of swords vibes!) as I had a DIY epiphany this weekend after finally sanding and painting a cabinet I found on the side of the road. All of a sudden I realised I could do all of the things I have been waiting on, I started sanding bannisters and have 100s of tasks now on my list that hadn’t occurred to me that I could do! So empowering. Love the story of the axe and this brilliant reframe that of course we can do it xx
That does sound like it's linked to the Aquarius full moon. Aquarius is ruled by Saturn which in part can be linked with old things such as your cabinet. The moon was also square to Uranus which is quite a revolutionary kind of feel to it. Something has been unleashed in your way of thinking. I'm happy for you. Enjoy x I'm wondering now where the sun and moon landed in your chart.
Ooo love hearing these details of the sky! Do you mean the sun and moon placements in my chart? Or specifically during this full moon? I am a Virgo sun and Taurus moon if that is of any use (I feel like I remember you saying you were the same signs switched!) xx
Yes, your DIY thing feels like it's tied in with the astrology of the full moon. Yes I remember when we spoke about that now. I'm Taurus rising, virgo moon, Pisces sun. What's your rising?
Hmm good question. I'll have to think about that. I guess I see I'm both practical and earthy yet I can dip into the mysterious in equal measure. I really feel that aspect of it.
We have a fair degree of gendered roles in our relationship of some 30 odd years, I admit. But my wife is the carpenter and owner of power tools, person who sorts out automobile issues and leads on decorating. I’m the (not so) glamorous assistant in all these contexts. I still have to dispose of the mice and slugs, though.
I have found that it is the waiting for someone else to do something that is the most frustrating. Once I have accepted that I don't need someone else, everything is so much easier. Crack on and get it done. Now this isn't the same as being able to find everything I need to do the job but that's another post altogether.
Sarah I could write a novel the thickness of war and peace on losing things let alone a post.
I love everything about this, Claire! So empowering. The only DIY I do is the occasional flat pack build. Sometimes, I’ll get involved in painting or popping a picture up, but more often I’m the one pointing or waving at the walls 😅
Your questions got me thinking about a huge limitation I’ve placed on myself over the years and it’s that I’m not the kind of person who can run workshops or launch products. I feel I’ve gone beyond these beliefs lately in how I show up in this space 💛
I did an exercise a few years ago where you write down I'm not the kind of person who… then see what comes up. Really revealing.
Yes! This, exactly..."I sometimes imagine the only way I'll ever put a shelf up is if we divorce or he dies and I'll be left single, forced to do all the jobs he usually does." I'm right there with you, Claire. Lol. I never even realized I'd been thinking these things until you put it into the perfect words. Thank you for opening my eyes! Now, where's my axe?
Isn't it strange how some things are so familiar we can't quite spot them in ourselves.
I grew up with 3 brothers very male dominated!
I did male type things to annoy my brothers.
I learned to change/ repair a bicycle tire l found it fun.
I like to know how things work.
I regret not learning more about cars.
I have tried to change a flat tire but did not succeed.
When l do man things l am not as serious it is more of a novelty therefore fun.
My brothers stopped taking me fishing because l caught too many fish.
I don’t feel a need to be equal it is more out of curiosity.
When l took apart a vacuum cleaner to clean and put it back together l felt success recently.
I usually let men do there thing unless l got tired of waiting.
The best way to get a man to help is to do it wrong😂
Ooh that's all making me wonder whether Mercury is strong in your birth chart
I was never taught the male-gendered skills growing up. Change a tire, work on cars in any capacity really, construction so I understand. When i moved into an apartment by myself, I had to learn how to do things on my own. I also didn't want to have to ask for help. It empowered me so much. Now, I love getting to do handy jobs. My husband is active duty so sometimes I just gotta figure it out. Haha. But I love how much I've learned about it and myself.
So many women doing DIY. This is very inspiring
There is something so simple yet so deeply profound about this… in my previous marriage, I’d always joke that I was the “man of the house” because I was the one who built the ikea furniture and put up curtain poles. My husband was rubbish at DIY and could never quite get it right, which would hugely bother my perfectionist self.
However now I’m single, and have no choice but to do these things on my own and just figure them out, I’d love nothing more than a capable, compassionate man to swoop in and say “I know you can do this on your own, but you don’t have to, I’ve got this”
I’m not sure this is about gender stereotypes as such, more being supported by a practical masculine presence so I can be the creative force I need to be.
So I suppose my limitation in this context is that I’m perhaps too stubborn and self sufficient to allow anyone to help me. I wonder what would happy if I did? 🦋
Hi Kerry, I wonder whether it's why you're drawn to circles of women. A place to receive support. That's really interesting though. Your perceived limitation is that you have to be independent. Sounds like a good theme to explore.
Yes you could be right there, thank you for that reflection. Womens circles are incredibly special in that way because the support is unconditional. This is definitely a theme to take to the therapists couch!
I’m actually handier than my husband, but we have typically gendered roles around the house. I like it that way. I’m someone who will jump in and do everything, so it’s good for me to ask my husband to do things. He’s become much more helpful over the years with domestic things. I don’t like DIY things but I do it if I have to.
Where did you learn DIY? Did someone show you or are you quite practical by nature?
I mean I don’t DIY many things. Like I haven’t built anything. But I hang shelves, caulk things, patch drywall, small things like that. I just kind of figure it out, or maybe watch Youtube videos if I feel confused.
Hi Claire, this was synchronous with something I have been struggling to heal, so thank you for such a timely article! Although for me, it’s not about DIY projects, but about finances. I realised that in spite of having a mother who’s a physician and a financially astute woman, I somehow absorbed the “daddy’s little princess” and “knight in shining armour” images and subconsciously believed that making money is a man’s work and prerogative, that I don’t need to worry or work for a living, that I will be “taken care of”. However, coming out of a marriage that provided well for me but that lacked in all other aspects, I was forced to face the reality of either “fending for myself” and being happy or being dependent and unhappy. I chose the former, but I still struggle with believing that I can provide for myself and also struggle with financial management. I am trying to heal that with therapy, courses, books, EFT, etc. So that’s why your post and especially the 8 of swords spoke so much to my inner journey of liberating myself from this patriarchal messaging. Thanks again!
@Keris Fox has a Substack about money you might find helpful Karishma
Thank you so much for the recommendation (checking it out right now).
Wow. That's so important to understand about yourself and I'm glad the post deepened it for you. I think you gave me an idea for another post too although talking about money is hard.
Looking forward to your post (but no pressure, I understand it can be a complex subject).
Claire, I loved this story! I'm divorced now, so I've had to do many more practical things than I really want to. But it's also been empowering.
Yes, I guess division of labour makes things easier, but as you say at least you are left feeling empowered.
You can't leave us hanging like that! Did you get your shelf up??? You so beautifully articulate that mindset of having to learn to do things because something has happened to the man in your life. And the wonderful 'ah ha!' moment of realizing you CAN do whatever you want to!
Lol! Sorry Amy. Oh I may have broken free mentally but putting up the shelf is still to happen. Should I document it?
Of course! With pictures! Only if you want to, of course.
Oh I love this. I've never used an axe but I did put up my first shelf very recently. And I can tell you that using a power drill to put the holes in our (very sold) brick walls was a real 'yes!!!!' moment for me too.
I might have to get tips from you Louise. Did anyone show you how?
Yes, I was my husband’s apprentice for the day. But I waited until he was out before I had a go on my own 🤣
Yesss
Mainly traditional roles in our house but last week my daughter & built her new wardrobe whilst my husband was at work just to prove that we could! 🙌🏻
Another yessss moment. Love that.
I was always fascinated with what went on in the garages, barns, and work sheds of the men in my family and would secretly absorb their behaviors and wisdom because I was expected to be girly, aloof, and uninterested in such things.
I didn't always feel I had to do all the manly jobs but I felt an internal pressure to at least know how. I think realistically I just have a deep wish to work more with my hands and I hope to continue pursuing that throughout my life.
Interestingly, these days, my boyfriend lovingly refers to himself as my haus-band (a play on house-husband) because he's in charge of all the cleaning, cooking, dog feeding, grocery-ing, and tending to the yard.
I won't tell him that I'm telling you that I'm still the "handy" one of our pair... But I do still step in to fix things and solve manly-problems around the house and yard, popping the hood when something's off with the car and acting like I know things, that sort of stuff.
This comment turned into a whole article 🤣 sorry about that / thanks for inspiring me today
It's really inspiring to know there are so many women who feel confident to do DIY. I'm glad you wrote a whole article. Your thoughts are welcome and help me learn.
I feel like it would be helpful to warn you that the next stage in becoming a competent DIY wife is that your husband will walk into the room, tell you what you are doing wrong, fart and leave. Just so you know what to expect. Enjoy the power of transforming your interiors to make life flow more easily.
There's a tarot card for that I'm sure.
This is wonderful, and there must be something in the air (full moon in Aquarius as well as the 8 of swords vibes!) as I had a DIY epiphany this weekend after finally sanding and painting a cabinet I found on the side of the road. All of a sudden I realised I could do all of the things I have been waiting on, I started sanding bannisters and have 100s of tasks now on my list that hadn’t occurred to me that I could do! So empowering. Love the story of the axe and this brilliant reframe that of course we can do it xx
That does sound like it's linked to the Aquarius full moon. Aquarius is ruled by Saturn which in part can be linked with old things such as your cabinet. The moon was also square to Uranus which is quite a revolutionary kind of feel to it. Something has been unleashed in your way of thinking. I'm happy for you. Enjoy x I'm wondering now where the sun and moon landed in your chart.
Ooo love hearing these details of the sky! Do you mean the sun and moon placements in my chart? Or specifically during this full moon? I am a Virgo sun and Taurus moon if that is of any use (I feel like I remember you saying you were the same signs switched!) xx
Yes, your DIY thing feels like it's tied in with the astrology of the full moon. Yes I remember when we spoke about that now. I'm Taurus rising, virgo moon, Pisces sun. What's your rising?
P.S. love that you have Pisces sun and Virgo moon, two opposite ends of the zodiac, do you feel it brings you balance? xx
Hmm good question. I'll have to think about that. I guess I see I'm both practical and earthy yet I can dip into the mysterious in equal measure. I really feel that aspect of it.
Virgo sun and rising (I am a fun person I promise…ha!) xx
We have a fair degree of gendered roles in our relationship of some 30 odd years, I admit. But my wife is the carpenter and owner of power tools, person who sorts out automobile issues and leads on decorating. I’m the (not so) glamorous assistant in all these contexts. I still have to dispose of the mice and slugs, though.