“Something in the way”
Kurt Cobain
This line from the song of the same name embodies the energy of the devil card for me. Even this week as I write, there’s something in the way. A worry it won’t make sense. A fear it’s not relatable. Will you read the first five lines, scroll down a bit and then flit to something else?
The irony is, this week’s newsletter is about freedom. The greater the movement towards freedom or self expression, the harder the opposite force presses up against you and tries to keep you small. What are you supposed to do with that?
Do you ever tell yourself stuff like “I’m not the sort of person who bakes their own bread” or “I'm not the sort of person who meditates” My own personal examples of this is
“I’m not the sort of person who builds bonfires”
It’s not that I go round repeating it to myself in my head. Some views about yourself are so deeply engrained you don’t even bother to challenge them. They are just there. You can’t see the wood for the trees just like in the devil card in the photo.
Maybe it’s something to do with growing up in the 80s when let’s face it, the minute you go outside to cook, the men step in, flip the burgers, build the BBQ and light the fire. Even recently on a family camping trip in the Lake District, the boys got the wood, stacked it up, broke up the firelighters and fought with the damp matches. They got the fire going whilst I threaded marshmallows on a skewer with my daughter.
The devil energy is like that. It loves to keep you exactly where you are and it doesn’t like you to venture beyond what you already know so when you try it’ll try and knock you right back. That’s the hard part and unless you know your mind well it’s hard to spot in the first place.
There’s nothing like a week on retreat with space to sit and think about your life to give you the chance to see how your mind works or how you limit yourself. That’s exactly what happened. There I am on a retreat in the Welsh hills with a much less fuzzy than usual mind. Friends step out of the shrine room in easeful silence for a ritual around the bonfire.
What I must tell you is that this week, my limiting view of myself as a non bonfire builder becomes much clearer. So, I challenge it. I challenge the devil. The thirty or so women make a circle around a fire and you guessed it, it is a fire I helped to build. The fire sits in the middle of us all raging away. It burns bright and I am happy.
This let’s face it fairly small step beyond my own conditioning sparks something bigger though. When you push past the devil an energy builds up. Perhaps it’s why the tower comes along as the next card.
That’s what happened on that night. It’s late summer and the sun is still up and the roses have shed their petals. Piles of pink sit in clusters around the lawn and the fire building has shifted a view of myself.
Sometimes you do things that have no logic but mean everything. Perhaps this is the way artists create or how poets write, through these moments of spontaneity and freedom of thought. As if my life depends on it I scoop up a handful of rose petals and throw them them onto the flames. It’s all over in seconds. Flowers that took seasons to bloom are incinerated in moments, only a few golden sparks stay in the air until they vanish forever.
I’d love to tell you why I did it and what it all meant. Perhaps it was simply a release of energy. All I can say is that to burn something so delicate felt crucial in that split second. There was a wisdom in the act and for a few moments I was alive, awake and wild.
But remember what the devil does. Just as quickly as the petals burn so the force of doubt turns up and reminds you to play small. I shrink back into myself and joy hangs in the air until it fades.
Even here, now I can feel the pressure of that. The Devil energy wants to stop me from writing want I really want to write. Do I really want to tell nearly 900 people the story of when I threw rose petals on a bonfire and how it internalised a deep sense of freedom for me. Doesn’t that all sound a bit much. YOU’RE JUST TOO MUCH. It can feel debilitating. A glimpse of freedom, of playful creativity, joy, poetry, and artistry is pushed against. Something’s in the way and it feels like sickening self doubt.
I don’t think this is something we can solve on its own level. It feels to me, like with so many of the cards that we have to feel into the dark and the light of the energy and be ready to accept that both run through our life. It’s how we choose to live with it that really counts. The devil card is an invitation then to see our doubt for what it really is.
It’s simply a natural force which when we go beyond ourselves and start to expand, likes to pop up and say hi. It’s a sign to us not that we are failing but that we are no longer playing small. When you stop playing small, the devil turns up.
And with that, to hell with it. I’m pressing publish
A way to reflect on the devil card this week
This week spend some time either with your journal or just mulling it over.
Note they stories that start with “I’m not the sort of person who…” Can you challenge that view
What happens when I see self doubt or self sabotage as a natural reaction to my own desire for expansion?
This week I was inspired by
This week I was lucky enough to see the “There be Giants” art exhibition at the Old Sun Inn curated by Jessica Pearce from Jessicapearce.com. Please do take a look at her work.
It was there that I got the inspiration for this post. Jessica has filled an 11th Century room with reeds. The installation was beautiful and unnerving. It reminded me of the devil card from the Spacious Tarot. The play of light and dark and the invitation to move through the reeds to to a brightly lit window encapsulates the mood of the card. Thanks Jessica!
Thanks so much for reading this. Do tell me how you find the devil card and share this post on notes if you’re on the substack app.
Love Claire Amritavani
Rose petals thrown into a bonfire... I can't begin to articulate all the things this image awakes in me.
I thoroughly enjoyed the read, thank you! Leaving with plenty of food for thought.
I love the devil card! This is a really great way to think about it, and I am definitely going to practice noticing where I place limits on myself this week.